It’s a new week and I have discovered what has been making me feel so down lately. I think that I have seasonal depression. Growing up in California has made it so I was constantly bathed in the sun’s rays, like taking a Xanax every time I left the house. Now I am always bathed in freezing cold and limited sunshine. This sudden change in emotion has my hypochondria going on overdrive. I have thought that I have had necrotizing fasciitis for the last two days, the stomach flu, a heart palpitation, and more. I think it is just a stressful time of the year for me and will always be stressful.
Last year, on the 19th of January, I confronted my parents and made a stand, which has changed our whole relationship as a family. And now as that time comes around again, I may feel some of the stress that I didn’t deal with in a timely order and so now I have to deal with it. Also, today is my half-birthday. I am 18 and ½ today, and nothing makes me more sick is this fact. Last year, on the eve of my birthday, I sat in bed and contemplated what I had done with my childhood, realizing that I really didn’t do much with it. I had been living like and adult since I was a kid and I have no childhood to be really excited about.
So when last two days ago, when I found a weird rash on my arm, I knew it had to be necrotizing fasciitis. So I circled it with a sharpie and made close watch for any movement. Of course nothing happened. The rash was really just where I accidently hit the door jam with my forearm and a pink spot resulted. I knew this while I was circling the mark on my arm with the sharpie but I just can’t stop focusing on it until I take some action. Maybe it is a ritual, but I don’t care. My rituals seem sensible to me and do not really affect my life in a negative way; not to mention that it makes my anxiety go away in a flash.
So my seasonal depression has put me into a funk. I am even more choleric and critical than usual: in turn, this almost got me kicked out of my Bio class. I was sitting in class while the professor was going over the homework the next week and there was an obvious typo he made. This being projected 25 square meters in the air did irk me, but I wouldn’t say anything. We knew what he meant. But then one kid made a really snarky comment about it, making the professor (who is brand new) feel like an idiot. So I said, “Look dude, you don’t have to be an ass about it!” He was mortified, feining that he had never heard such language in his life, and decided to threaten calling Honor Code on me. “Why would they give a crap? I called you an ass, meaning a stubborn person. Now if I called you an asshole, like you are being right now, maybe that would be grounds for them to be called!”
The professor brought both of us outside, told the jerk to leave class for the day and then had a word with me. “You know, he was being a jerk, and I don’t care what you said… it is true. Just next time, hold it until after class.” We went back inside and learned more about observing proteins.
No comments:
Post a Comment