Skin Cancer

Every once and a while, I decide that I need to chances that I will have skin cancer are high (being from California and all). So today, before church I was examining the moles strewn across my body. I have so many of them that it took almost an hour to check my front half to see if any have changed shape or color in the last month, so after I took a picture of some moles that seemed highly suspect, I looked at my face through the camera and realized how sad I look. Not sad as in pathetic, I already know that I look pathetic, but I look like I am mildly depressed.

I have been through therapy before where they thought that putting me on anti-depressants would “fix” me, but for some reason my hypochondria wants me to take pills for everything but depression. Maybe it is the notion that I feel people need to feel sadness as much as any other emotion or maybe it is the fact that I think anti-depressants would make me a different person. I have become accustomed to all my little insecurities and mood swings, and those make up who I am: An awkward, lanky, high energy, self-conscious kid, who on occasion feels a bit blue.

I realize that people who suffer from depression should take meds, like I am in full support, my mother really is a better person because of her meds, but I just don’t think I need them. My roomie JL wants me to go to therapy (although I already went through six months of it last year) because he thinks all my problems will go away if I go to therapy like he does. I don’t think I would benefit much from therapy anymore because I just don’t care anymore. I’m rather listless. Sure JL will use all my toothpaste. Am I angry? No. I’d rather him not but what can I do about it. I have stopped caring about mostly everything because there is not much really to care about right now. Obviously my old blog meant nothing to me if I decided to up and lock it just one day.

So now I am trapped between thinking I am depressed, I am boring, or I just look sad without my usual California tan (which leads to, once again, skin cancer).